Well, sometimes those drugs work a little too well, and I think "Huh. I'm doing pretty dang well!" and then I stop taking them.
Sigh. Will I ever learn?
Because I was doing well. And after I stop taking my meds, I still do well for about four weeks. And then reality sets in. My brain has depleted my extra stores of serotonin and I'm screwed.
Yesterday was the day that reality set in. "How can a crazy person tell that she's crazy", you ask? By listening to her inner monologue. Here's mine from yesterday:
My stomach growls
Rational Me: Hm. It's been four hours since I ate breakfast. It's lunch time. I should eat.
Irrational Me: No, you shouldn't eat. You're fat and you deserve to feel this discomfort of hunger.
Rational Me: Um, no..that doesn't really make sense. Let's be rational here..
Irrational Me: I DON'T WANT TO BE RATIONAL!
It was at this point in my inner monologue that I laughed out loud, dropped what I was doing, and ran to the kitchen to find my Zoloft.
I may never be able to live without medication, but at least I can recognize when I need it. The first step of recovery is admitting you have a problem, right?